Infidelity & Forgiveness

This is going to be different from all other posts and it is kind of a downer. 

I'm not even sure where to start because my heart is so weighed down from recent events. I'm in a serious relationship. We dated long distance about five years and then I moved from Texas to Ohio to be with him. In February it will be the two year anniversary of my move. 

Things have been good. I have always believed that our relationship was different. For the most part there was very little disagreements and we trusted each other. My boyfriend works at a pharmacy (at the corner of happy and healthy.) About a year ago I told him that one of his co-workers made me uncomfortable. I have never been a jealous girlfriend but something about this 20 year old girl made me uncomfortable. She was way too "chummy" with my boyfriend. She would send him texts that were not work related but they seemed harmless. Nonetheless, I told him I wanted that to stop. I still trusted him. I just didn't like it and I wanted it to stop. She moved away to North Carolina to move in with some guy she had just met through a friend. She was STILL texting my boyfriend. I continued saying that I was not comfortable with it. She got pregnant, her boyfriend cheated on her, she moved back here.

During this period while she was back she returned to the store where my boyfriend works. She would send him pregnancy updates, sonogram pictures, random texts. One of those being a string of emoji's. The last one being the kissy face. I'm not 11, so this shouldn't have upset me. But boy did that raise a red flag. I called him out on it and he said she probably accidentally sent it. And he had done nothing wrong at this point that I knew of. So I trusted him. She had her baby, went on maternity leave, returned but was moved to a different store because his store no longer had that opening. 

She was still texting him. He would say she was asking work related questions but it didn't make sense because they no longer worked at the same store. Call me naive but I believed him. I had no reason to think otherwise. But I still asked him to end communication. My heart and gut didn't feel right about the whole thing. 

Then about a month ago my boyfriend was in the bathroom. He had left his phone out and I heard a ping. I thought it was his phone and I figured I would check it in case it was someone from his family needing something. We all live within a five minute radius of each other so we typically see each other several times a week. I didn't see any notifications but I still had this feeling that I needed to check his messages. And sure enough she was one of the recent conversations. 

I opened up the conversation. And my heart sank. Messages that went back so far that I never did read them all. Very suggestive flirting. Texts where she would say something about me and he would ignore it. The kind of fun sexy texts that a new couple would be sending to each other. The rest of that night is a blur. I yelled an awful cuss word down the hallway and started lacing up my shoes and trying to find my coat. He ran out of the bathroom looking like he had seen a ghost. He kept saying, "baby what's wrong?" I couldn't think straight I just kept repeating, "I'm done" and "I ******* knew it." I can't remember if I even had to accuse him or if he just knew what I was talking about because he kept trying to hold me. He kept saying it meant nothing. He kept trying to keep me from leaving. I had to get away from him.

I walked out. He tried blocking me from closing my car door and I told him I had to go. What I did after that I'm not ready to talk about. Nothing crazy, just those 45 minutes are probably something I will keep to myself. I returned home trying to stay calm. I wanted answers and I knew if I came in guns ablazing I would not receive them. I made him give me his phone so I could read more. I couldn't stomach it. It made me physically ill. 

His excuse was that she was in a really dark place and he was just trying to make her feel better.







Yeah.




He stuck to that story. He said she needed the attention and needed to be told how hot she was constantly. 

I still don't know why he did it.

I still don't know why he let someone get between us.

I am being completely honest when I say that I don't remember the rest of that night. It's completely blank in my mind. 

The next day I had a twelve hour shift. We talked through text all day. I asked him to end things with her. He sent her a text explaining that he was choosing me and to not contact him again. She responded with, "Whatever, It's not like I had ******* feelings for you. I just needed a friend." To this day I'm not sure she knows what a friend is. 

I am choosing to forgive him because I have been forgiven. I am redeemed through the blood of Christ and I will use this pain for God's glory. Please remember that this is MY STORY. I am not saying that this is the course of action that anybody else should take. But right now I am choosing to move forward with the man that I am in love with. 

But that brings me here. I have chosen to share this because my heart is still very broken. I am casting out a net to try and find a support group. I have forgiven but I can't seem to keep my mind from replaying their messages in my head 24/7. It is CONSTANT. It is unbearable. I am trying so hard to not make jabs at him. I am trying desperately to act like nothing ever happened. I am making myself sick. 

I know that Satan is at work here. He is attacking me through the person I love the most. Satan is real and he is very active. If you're reading this please pray for me and my boyfriend. Please pray for the woman who came between us. Please pray that I can forgive her as well. I don't want this to change who I am. I don't want this to make me bitter and untrusting. I never wanted this to be a part of my testimony. But it is. 

Thank you for reading my story if you've made it this far. Please be kind in the comments if you feel compelled to leave something. 

I'm not sure how much more I will go into detail. I've heard from other people who have been in this situation that journaling is very therapeutic. I am debating using this blog or actually writing my feelings out. Any suggestions are welcome. Again, thank you for reading. 

Waiting for the rest of our lives

I suck at blogging. Legitimately, I have all the time in the world to do something productive and finally get to do all the crafty creative things I want but I lack motivation and words. I'm in a rut and I don't know how to jump out of it. On a brighter note, I'm happy. I have small flashes of heartache when I think about what it was like when I knew my time with Jacob was limited. We'd typically have two weeks together at a time and I felt like I had to accomplish everything in those moments. Long Distance Relationships are HARD. If you're in one right now my heart goes out to you. I thought I'd post some sort of inspirational post to give some of you some hope out there. I'd like to start with, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW. Jacob and I dated for five LONG years apart. I lived in Austin, Texas and he lived in Ohio. We're young, and financially couldn't afford a ton of trips to see each other. So it was usually two-three times a year tops. We skyped, talked on the phone, texted daily. We lived in the same country so we didn't have the international phone call expenses that I know some of you encounter. (My heart hurts for you guys the most!) So we had consistent communication and it worked for us. But when I would fly here everything would just feel right. I know you guys will agree that when you're apart something feels "off." You can't put your finger on it but nothing ever really feels complete. If that makes any sense.  Then I would be here with him. And it would just click, like he was always the missing link. Like for the first time I could take a full breath and I didn't know I had been taking small ones for months. I would literally fill my lungs up with joy and it just felt right.

Then the vacation would end. I would have to go home to the job that didn't appreciate me and go back to feeling like I was only functioning at half capacity. I would hate the drives to the airport. I would usually pick a fight with him so that I could be angry instead of allowing myself to sit in my own despair the entire ride there. I would hold it together almost every time up until we would walk to the security line. You know, I'd have the perfect timing. I would break down and hold on to him like he was my only anchor to this planet and if he let go I would float away into dark space. My knees would buckle. I would lose my breath. I would have to drag my burdened body through the line and try to not look like a lunatic while security looked at my boarding pass and I.D. I would usually instruct my boyfriend to leave as soon as I began to go through the line because if i looked back and he was still there I would lose it again. Sometimes he'd leave. Sometimes he'd stay. Sometimes I could feel my body being tethered back to him. But I would keep trudging forward. I'd make it through the screening and board my flights home. Heart broken until I could see him again. 

I've been living with him here for about a month now. I have so much I want to say and explain and I will soon. (I promise!) There's a lot I have had to overcome and more that I still struggle with. I am a Christian woman with strong convictions living with her boyfriend. (STRUGGLE #1) I miss my family. Desperately. 

And I want to explain how we made the jump. How I never felt ready to move away. I still don't know if I am. But I couldn't continue waiting. 

More later. 

Valerie

Eternally missing SOMEBODY

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost five years. People talk about being in one and don't worry, I've also had the thought "that's never going to last" run through my head. And Yet, Jacob and I are here five years later and at our strongest. I'm not going to go in to too much detail about our past five years but instead am going to throw a few things that are currently putting some ache in my heart. 

Jacob and I are planning to move forward and move in with each other this next summer. He is living in Waynesville, Ohio which based off of my own sense of direction is in between Dayton & Cincinnati. On my last trip there (I just got home on Tuesday) we went to take a tour of a town house that we are potentially going to be living in. He would be moving well before I move there. Part of my hesitation is because I never imagined moving in with a boyfriend. Ever. I am a firm believer in keeping your self pure, and once you say I do that you get the right to become one with your husband. I also know that living with somebody does not have to equal a sexual relationship. That is not what is at stake here. I suppose it's my virtue. Geez, did I really just say "My virtue?" I am not 23 going on 93. But I'm freaking out here, is this something God wants? Is it his will? I can hear a small voice in the back of my head saying, "NO. NO. NO. Move there, find your own place. You WILL struggle, but I will provide. I am God, and your plans should never go against what is right." But why is it wrong? I wouldn't be dishonoring him or myself. I would be living with him---and keeping myself pure. I might just be scared of moving so far away from home. So I'm letting my brain pretend to be God. (MONUMENTAL MISTAKE VALERIE!)

perfect example of how this man can NOT take a real picture.
Can you see how I'm struggling to not laugh?!

Then there is the part where you miss someone. Right now, I miss Jacob. I miss his companionship and the way he plays with the skin between my thumb and pointer finger. I miss how he can't take a picture without making a funny face. How life is a big joke and how I can't stay mad at him because he's being so ridiculous when we argue that I have to laugh which usually results in me having a laughing fit while I struggle to say, "I'm laughing, but I'm still super pissed at you!" I miss how sometimes he knows I can't keep it together and I'm about to cry and he just holds me, hugs me, and doesn't say anything. Because sometimes that's really all you need, someone to just hold you while it feels your world is collapsing around you. This typically happens at the end of every trip at the airport. My knees tremble then lock up on me. My body tries to grow roots into the very floor of the airport and plant me there so I can't walk through security. The lump in my throat becomes the size of Africa & I can't stop the flow of tears. I can't speak. I can't walk. I can't breathe. And he just holds me. He says something funny, which the Good Lord knows is hard for him to do. He has to be the one smiling through his tears while he whispers, "I'll see you soon." Great, now I've made myself cry while typing this. I give his neck one last tight squeeze, I kiss his face and I somehow manage to move one foot in front of the other. I hand my ticket and I.d. over. I look back and he's gone. It's part of our agreement, don't linger, I'll keep crying if he does. I take control of my emotions while I take off my shoes and place everything on the belt. Then I'm home in less than four hours. 

I wrote all of that to try and describe HOW MUCH I miss him. And to try and prepare myself when all of this will be turned upside down. When I will be with him and NOT with my family. NOT with my friends. NOT in my home. I look at my niece and can feel the same knot in my throat when I think that she's going to have so many birthdays, Christmas', recitals that I will not be able to attend or be a part of. I will be the Aunt she sees at most a couple times a year. I will not have this bond with her that I do right now. That one day I will be leaving Austin Bergstrom International Airport and have to push myself through security and pray that I don't look back or I'm going to fall apart and be patted down a little extra in case I'm a threat to security. 

In this life I've been given the burden of eternally missing somebody. No matter what I decide to do, or where I choose to live--There will have to be some painful goodbyes. And as many times as I do say goodbye it never seems to get easier. It never gets better. It always hurts and I'd rather lay under a ton of bricks than do it ever again. 

Prayer is welcome.

God Bless,

Valerie