Infidelity & Forgiveness

This is going to be different from all other posts and it is kind of a downer. 

I'm not even sure where to start because my heart is so weighed down from recent events. I'm in a serious relationship. We dated long distance about five years and then I moved from Texas to Ohio to be with him. In February it will be the two year anniversary of my move. 

Things have been good. I have always believed that our relationship was different. For the most part there was very little disagreements and we trusted each other. My boyfriend works at a pharmacy (at the corner of happy and healthy.) About a year ago I told him that one of his co-workers made me uncomfortable. I have never been a jealous girlfriend but something about this 20 year old girl made me uncomfortable. She was way too "chummy" with my boyfriend. She would send him texts that were not work related but they seemed harmless. Nonetheless, I told him I wanted that to stop. I still trusted him. I just didn't like it and I wanted it to stop. She moved away to North Carolina to move in with some guy she had just met through a friend. She was STILL texting my boyfriend. I continued saying that I was not comfortable with it. She got pregnant, her boyfriend cheated on her, she moved back here.

During this period while she was back she returned to the store where my boyfriend works. She would send him pregnancy updates, sonogram pictures, random texts. One of those being a string of emoji's. The last one being the kissy face. I'm not 11, so this shouldn't have upset me. But boy did that raise a red flag. I called him out on it and he said she probably accidentally sent it. And he had done nothing wrong at this point that I knew of. So I trusted him. She had her baby, went on maternity leave, returned but was moved to a different store because his store no longer had that opening. 

She was still texting him. He would say she was asking work related questions but it didn't make sense because they no longer worked at the same store. Call me naive but I believed him. I had no reason to think otherwise. But I still asked him to end communication. My heart and gut didn't feel right about the whole thing. 

Then about a month ago my boyfriend was in the bathroom. He had left his phone out and I heard a ping. I thought it was his phone and I figured I would check it in case it was someone from his family needing something. We all live within a five minute radius of each other so we typically see each other several times a week. I didn't see any notifications but I still had this feeling that I needed to check his messages. And sure enough she was one of the recent conversations. 

I opened up the conversation. And my heart sank. Messages that went back so far that I never did read them all. Very suggestive flirting. Texts where she would say something about me and he would ignore it. The kind of fun sexy texts that a new couple would be sending to each other. The rest of that night is a blur. I yelled an awful cuss word down the hallway and started lacing up my shoes and trying to find my coat. He ran out of the bathroom looking like he had seen a ghost. He kept saying, "baby what's wrong?" I couldn't think straight I just kept repeating, "I'm done" and "I ******* knew it." I can't remember if I even had to accuse him or if he just knew what I was talking about because he kept trying to hold me. He kept saying it meant nothing. He kept trying to keep me from leaving. I had to get away from him.

I walked out. He tried blocking me from closing my car door and I told him I had to go. What I did after that I'm not ready to talk about. Nothing crazy, just those 45 minutes are probably something I will keep to myself. I returned home trying to stay calm. I wanted answers and I knew if I came in guns ablazing I would not receive them. I made him give me his phone so I could read more. I couldn't stomach it. It made me physically ill. 

His excuse was that she was in a really dark place and he was just trying to make her feel better.







Yeah.




He stuck to that story. He said she needed the attention and needed to be told how hot she was constantly. 

I still don't know why he did it.

I still don't know why he let someone get between us.

I am being completely honest when I say that I don't remember the rest of that night. It's completely blank in my mind. 

The next day I had a twelve hour shift. We talked through text all day. I asked him to end things with her. He sent her a text explaining that he was choosing me and to not contact him again. She responded with, "Whatever, It's not like I had ******* feelings for you. I just needed a friend." To this day I'm not sure she knows what a friend is. 

I am choosing to forgive him because I have been forgiven. I am redeemed through the blood of Christ and I will use this pain for God's glory. Please remember that this is MY STORY. I am not saying that this is the course of action that anybody else should take. But right now I am choosing to move forward with the man that I am in love with. 

But that brings me here. I have chosen to share this because my heart is still very broken. I am casting out a net to try and find a support group. I have forgiven but I can't seem to keep my mind from replaying their messages in my head 24/7. It is CONSTANT. It is unbearable. I am trying so hard to not make jabs at him. I am trying desperately to act like nothing ever happened. I am making myself sick. 

I know that Satan is at work here. He is attacking me through the person I love the most. Satan is real and he is very active. If you're reading this please pray for me and my boyfriend. Please pray for the woman who came between us. Please pray that I can forgive her as well. I don't want this to change who I am. I don't want this to make me bitter and untrusting. I never wanted this to be a part of my testimony. But it is. 

Thank you for reading my story if you've made it this far. Please be kind in the comments if you feel compelled to leave something. 

I'm not sure how much more I will go into detail. I've heard from other people who have been in this situation that journaling is very therapeutic. I am debating using this blog or actually writing my feelings out. Any suggestions are welcome. Again, thank you for reading. 

Big town, Small voice

Alright so here's the apology in advance, I talk too much. I hope that during this experience I learn to condense every thing I have to say & I can stick to what is relevant in the current post. Until then...I am very sorry! 

So here we go.

My name is Valerie and I live in Buda, Texas. "But your bio says Austin..." Okay, well you've caught me. I live in a small town right outside of Austin. I hop on the interstate and I'm in my beloved Capital in about five minutes. I am in love with the city and the eclectic people that have made it home. I love the live music scene and all of the amazing vintage, thrift, and consignment shops that you can discover daily. There is truly no shortage of second hand treasures that are just waiting to be discovered! BUT at the end of the day I love that I can jump on that interstate again and sail back to the land of the calm in my hometown of Buda. It's growing and to some it might not qualify as small town anymore because of mega companies like Cabela's & Wal-Mart building a small part of their empires here but to me it's always going to be the place where I could look out my back yard and see acres of land and cows. I grew up here with a strong sense of pride in the place where Fridays meant Rebel football games & Sundays mean church in the morning and evening. Family and Jesus--that's what it's all about. AmIRightorWhat?

I am currently a receptionist/Spanish teacher at a local private school that currently has Infants to 5th grade. My daily schedule is mornings in the office, Spanish classes mid-day, and ending the day in the Infant room giving the lady in there her lunch hour break. I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful family at my job and to have found a home at work. I have realized I am that kooky teacher we all had at one point who takes her heels off and sits on her desk during discussions and lessons. I use music a lot when I teach and usually make a fool of myself by inventing dance moves to help the kids remember what I'm teaching. I am passionate about children...but I'm starting to see that I might not be absolutely passionate about teaching. I am darn good at what I do, and I love it, but I'm not IN LOVE with it. If that makes any sense...which it might not. I am trying to figure out where the Lord might be leading me with these feelings. I know he's got a plan for this short life of mine but I am seeking his will. Perhaps some of you can pray for me on this part of my life. I need guidance--I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I just want to reach the end of it and know that I have nothing left to give to this world because I used every ounce of God's gifts to honor His kingdom. 

Oh sweet mercy, Honor His kingdom. I will fall short of this a lot, I am sure I will do that on this blog too. I suppose what I am trying to say is that my hope is that ya'll cut me a break when I stumble and that I am given the same mercy that we all hope to receive from Christ himself. If I make a monumental mistake and hurt my testimony in any way I would hope that someone would give me a slight nudge with an e-mail. Remember that much more is accomplished through love and compassion and that I do not seek parents on the internet...so keep the ugly to yourself. But as a sister in Christ--please, let me know when I am stepping off the path of light. I seek growth and a daily transformation in the Lord and I never want to be anybody's stumbling block. There will be times where I will talk about spiritual situations on here, if you don't believe please don't get offended. I seek to only pass on God's love, not to turn people away from him.

Perhaps a little background-- I am Southern Baptist and am a member of Calvary Baptist Church in San Marcos, Texas. I was saved at eight years old, and was baptized at fifteen. I strayed for a long time after I turned 19. I was angry at a lot of things but have since taken a million steps back to my Savior and am eternally grateful that I am redeemed through him and that he has never parted from me. 

Already--the post is quite lengthy and I still don't feel like I said much. 

I'm just excited to finally have a voice on here!

God Bless,

Valerie