Eternally missing SOMEBODY

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost five years. People talk about being in one and don't worry, I've also had the thought "that's never going to last" run through my head. And Yet, Jacob and I are here five years later and at our strongest. I'm not going to go in to too much detail about our past five years but instead am going to throw a few things that are currently putting some ache in my heart. 

Jacob and I are planning to move forward and move in with each other this next summer. He is living in Waynesville, Ohio which based off of my own sense of direction is in between Dayton & Cincinnati. On my last trip there (I just got home on Tuesday) we went to take a tour of a town house that we are potentially going to be living in. He would be moving well before I move there. Part of my hesitation is because I never imagined moving in with a boyfriend. Ever. I am a firm believer in keeping your self pure, and once you say I do that you get the right to become one with your husband. I also know that living with somebody does not have to equal a sexual relationship. That is not what is at stake here. I suppose it's my virtue. Geez, did I really just say "My virtue?" I am not 23 going on 93. But I'm freaking out here, is this something God wants? Is it his will? I can hear a small voice in the back of my head saying, "NO. NO. NO. Move there, find your own place. You WILL struggle, but I will provide. I am God, and your plans should never go against what is right." But why is it wrong? I wouldn't be dishonoring him or myself. I would be living with him---and keeping myself pure. I might just be scared of moving so far away from home. So I'm letting my brain pretend to be God. (MONUMENTAL MISTAKE VALERIE!)

perfect example of how this man can NOT take a real picture.
Can you see how I'm struggling to not laugh?!

Then there is the part where you miss someone. Right now, I miss Jacob. I miss his companionship and the way he plays with the skin between my thumb and pointer finger. I miss how he can't take a picture without making a funny face. How life is a big joke and how I can't stay mad at him because he's being so ridiculous when we argue that I have to laugh which usually results in me having a laughing fit while I struggle to say, "I'm laughing, but I'm still super pissed at you!" I miss how sometimes he knows I can't keep it together and I'm about to cry and he just holds me, hugs me, and doesn't say anything. Because sometimes that's really all you need, someone to just hold you while it feels your world is collapsing around you. This typically happens at the end of every trip at the airport. My knees tremble then lock up on me. My body tries to grow roots into the very floor of the airport and plant me there so I can't walk through security. The lump in my throat becomes the size of Africa & I can't stop the flow of tears. I can't speak. I can't walk. I can't breathe. And he just holds me. He says something funny, which the Good Lord knows is hard for him to do. He has to be the one smiling through his tears while he whispers, "I'll see you soon." Great, now I've made myself cry while typing this. I give his neck one last tight squeeze, I kiss his face and I somehow manage to move one foot in front of the other. I hand my ticket and I.d. over. I look back and he's gone. It's part of our agreement, don't linger, I'll keep crying if he does. I take control of my emotions while I take off my shoes and place everything on the belt. Then I'm home in less than four hours. 

I wrote all of that to try and describe HOW MUCH I miss him. And to try and prepare myself when all of this will be turned upside down. When I will be with him and NOT with my family. NOT with my friends. NOT in my home. I look at my niece and can feel the same knot in my throat when I think that she's going to have so many birthdays, Christmas', recitals that I will not be able to attend or be a part of. I will be the Aunt she sees at most a couple times a year. I will not have this bond with her that I do right now. That one day I will be leaving Austin Bergstrom International Airport and have to push myself through security and pray that I don't look back or I'm going to fall apart and be patted down a little extra in case I'm a threat to security. 

In this life I've been given the burden of eternally missing somebody. No matter what I decide to do, or where I choose to live--There will have to be some painful goodbyes. And as many times as I do say goodbye it never seems to get easier. It never gets better. It always hurts and I'd rather lay under a ton of bricks than do it ever again. 

Prayer is welcome.

God Bless,

Valerie