Waiting for the rest of our lives

I suck at blogging. Legitimately, I have all the time in the world to do something productive and finally get to do all the crafty creative things I want but I lack motivation and words. I'm in a rut and I don't know how to jump out of it. On a brighter note, I'm happy. I have small flashes of heartache when I think about what it was like when I knew my time with Jacob was limited. We'd typically have two weeks together at a time and I felt like I had to accomplish everything in those moments. Long Distance Relationships are HARD. If you're in one right now my heart goes out to you. I thought I'd post some sort of inspirational post to give some of you some hope out there. I'd like to start with, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW. Jacob and I dated for five LONG years apart. I lived in Austin, Texas and he lived in Ohio. We're young, and financially couldn't afford a ton of trips to see each other. So it was usually two-three times a year tops. We skyped, talked on the phone, texted daily. We lived in the same country so we didn't have the international phone call expenses that I know some of you encounter. (My heart hurts for you guys the most!) So we had consistent communication and it worked for us. But when I would fly here everything would just feel right. I know you guys will agree that when you're apart something feels "off." You can't put your finger on it but nothing ever really feels complete. If that makes any sense.  Then I would be here with him. And it would just click, like he was always the missing link. Like for the first time I could take a full breath and I didn't know I had been taking small ones for months. I would literally fill my lungs up with joy and it just felt right.

Then the vacation would end. I would have to go home to the job that didn't appreciate me and go back to feeling like I was only functioning at half capacity. I would hate the drives to the airport. I would usually pick a fight with him so that I could be angry instead of allowing myself to sit in my own despair the entire ride there. I would hold it together almost every time up until we would walk to the security line. You know, I'd have the perfect timing. I would break down and hold on to him like he was my only anchor to this planet and if he let go I would float away into dark space. My knees would buckle. I would lose my breath. I would have to drag my burdened body through the line and try to not look like a lunatic while security looked at my boarding pass and I.D. I would usually instruct my boyfriend to leave as soon as I began to go through the line because if i looked back and he was still there I would lose it again. Sometimes he'd leave. Sometimes he'd stay. Sometimes I could feel my body being tethered back to him. But I would keep trudging forward. I'd make it through the screening and board my flights home. Heart broken until I could see him again. 

I've been living with him here for about a month now. I have so much I want to say and explain and I will soon. (I promise!) There's a lot I have had to overcome and more that I still struggle with. I am a Christian woman with strong convictions living with her boyfriend. (STRUGGLE #1) I miss my family. Desperately. 

And I want to explain how we made the jump. How I never felt ready to move away. I still don't know if I am. But I couldn't continue waiting. 

More later. 

Valerie

Unemployed

I am still very much jobless. Eek! I have lived in Ohio for four weeks now. This is the longest I have....

• not had a job
• been away from Texas (consecutively, I have gone on several mission trips where I was gone for months but there was always small breaks back home in between!)
• Been with my boyfriend in the same city! We were long distance for five years!
• Not had a church home (Calvary Baptist in San Marcos, Texas will always be home for me!)

I know the list is longer but I am just getting kind of depressed thinking about it. 

I still don't have my truck here and don't exactly have the funds to get it here. I have applied for a few nanny jobs but I don't know what the game plan is for me getting to said job when I have it. Anyway my bank account is dwindling but luckily my boyfriend and his family have picked up the tab on most expenses. I am quite lucky to have them but I need to figure out what I'm going to do ASAP. 

Stressed out in the Midwest,

Valerie

Moving 1,300 miles from home

I knew that moving away from my home would be hard. I have always had a deep love for Texas. From my small town Buda where I grew up running around barefoot in fields to the dazzling skyscrapers in Austin. They sparkled enough to make me woo every SINGLE time I drove on Mopac. I'm a woman in love with Central Texas. So you'd think that was what would be the hard part. Leaving a magnificent area and all the festivals, outside activities, food (trucks!) behind. 

It's been two weeks since I flew to Ohio. I have no job and I've leapt into the unknown. I love my boyfriend. My heart is full and I am happy to be here with him. But my heart is also very much in pain. I keep blocking it from my mind. I've kept myself busy. But good grief do I miss my family. I just want to hold my niece right now. I want to kiss her hard on the face and hold her hand. I want to brush her hair and snap a giant bow on her beautiful head. I want to lay next to my momma and rub her hands when they ache. I want to sit in the car with my sister and talk about life, boyfriends, makeup. I can not believe I missed the day my older sister got to walk in to a bridal shop and try on dozens of gowns until she picked the one she plans to walk down the aisle in. I missed that. I miss being able to ask my daddy for help. He would have been complaining about it but I know that he likes to be the go to man for all of my handy needs. I would have laughed while he grumbled about hanging these new ombre curtains up in my bedroom. He would have scoffed at the spoon art I picked for the dining room. He would roll his eyes at the mailbox key rack I picked out. But he would have loved helping me. That's what I miss. I miss MY family. I miss my niece and nephew giggling and squealing throughout my house. I just plain miss them. I miss all the annoying things they did all the time. I miss holding all of them. I miss hugging them. I miss bickering with them. I miss loving on all of them. 

I'm sad. And Lord, I need some peace in my heart. I wish it didn't have to come down to picking between the man I love and my beloved family. I wish growing up wasn't this hard. I wish I could curl up in my parent's home for one more night and everything remain the same. Even if it were for only one more night.

Valerie

Tentacles vs Love

It's not so easy for me. Control freak. I can do it on my own. How do I let things get so out of my own control. My hands are tied. I am always wrong. I am always right. I need to practice letting go. Or I'm going to continue slipping into the all too familiar slump of depression. I've got a dark cloud that likes to settle above my head.

It doesn't belong there. I am a daughter of the King. I am loved. I am more than this dark depression that wraps it's tentacles around my heart and attempts to squeeze the very air out of my lungs. It makes me believe I'm going to lose my mind. That this battle will be lost as it pulls me down. But I know better. I can't fight this war alone. I can't thank Jesus enough for the peace he brings me. I just have to let him.

God bless,
Valerie

Uncomfortable Scripture

Today is the 15th and although I just submitted my first scripture verse yesterday I am playing catch up and needed to submit my second verse in today. That's alright--a little extra scripture memory never hurt anybody. 

I've also joined the ladies at She Reads Truth and am following them on their journey through "Fresh Start." I decided to use their choice of scripture from yesterday for mine on Siesta. I said something about uncomfortable scripture...oh right...

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is FAITHFUL."

-Hebrews 10: 23

Well that was simple, and beautiful. It is a verse that clearly states God is God--and when he makes a commitment he will follow through. I chose it because it fills me with such joy and appreciation to know that the bible says that God means what he says. In this verse it shows one side of that, our loving and merciful father. That once we are his we are his forever. What a promise! Salvation is never lost, hallelujah. 

So this is the tender God, the loving father that I tend to get in the habit of focusing on. I don't think I am the only one. But as the ladies at She Reads Truth said, our God is not all warm & fuzzies. Straight from their blog, "For those who hear the Word and turn away from it, who refuse to accept Jesus’ offer of salvation, “…no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.” (Heb 10:26-27 NIV) That’s pretty heavy stuff. How often do we hear this in the same paragraph as a loving God?"

(Click on the word blog above, it takes you to their site, and it is SUCH a joy to follow these sisters, they are doing wonderful works for the Lord!)

It is so easy to think, surely God wouldn't send the good people to hell? But Jesus made it very clear, he did not create a task list or hurdles for us to jump over to reach heaven. He is the ONE AND ONLY way in. No amount of charity work nor fundraisers will get you in. I pray that this year allows us to look internally and really see the transformation Christ is creating us. If we're not changing, if we're trying to "good" our way into heaven. Well God have mercy on our ignorant souls and wake us up to the reality that we need Jesus. We will never be worthy on our own. 

Our kind words and actions should come from our sincere thankfulness for our salvation. Not a way to buy our ticket into heaven.

God bless,

Valerie

Siesta Scripture Memory 2013

Any ladies out there fans of Beth Moore? Of Lifeway? My good golly, I am so moved by the word and the way Beth breaks it down in her studies are so beautiful. The Lord has blessed that woman with SO much wisdom and knowledge. There are moments where I will be in the middle of when her studies and I will do a lesson on my own, then I will watch the next week's video session and think, "Did we just read the same verse? Am I even in the right book?!?" Mostly because she opens up the Word and it just SPEAKS to her. I admire her and I am so grateful that she is sharing her gift with the world. 

Beth, if you are reading this please
be my friend!
I'll tone down the desperation...

I truly could blab about how much I love Beth but this post is about something else--still involving Beth! I am officially signing up for Siesta Scripture Memory team as of right now. If you haven't heard about it, let me give you a brief summary of what it involves. You commit to memorizing TWO verses from scripture a month. On the 1st and the 15th you go the LPM blog on this page and you comment with your name, your town, and the verse you're committing to memorize in those two weeks. At the end of the year there is a huge celebration in Houston where your scripture book is your ticket in and it's one huge celebration...there's more to it but that's a quick synopsis of it all. I am so excited! I know the Lord has something great planned for 2013 and I want to soak myself deep in the vast ocean of His love and promise. 

Did I mention, you pick your own verses! This is about growing in the word and whatever life stage you're in. So for my first one which is late...I am using one of Beth's.

You crown the year with Your bounty, and Your carts overflow with abundance.  Psalm 65:11 NIV 

We are about two weeks into this year and I think this is a great one to kick off the Memorizing with. I am so proud of what I accomplished and how the Lord tranformed me in 2012 and I want to begin this year by allowing the overflow to continue to bless those around me including myself. 

Anyone else doing Siesta this year? If so, did you purchase the notebook sold by Lifeway? I was thinking about making my own (which is allowed in the rules) and doing a post on how I decorate it but I'm not sure yet. Let me know!

God Bless,
Valerie

Eternally missing SOMEBODY

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost five years. People talk about being in one and don't worry, I've also had the thought "that's never going to last" run through my head. And Yet, Jacob and I are here five years later and at our strongest. I'm not going to go in to too much detail about our past five years but instead am going to throw a few things that are currently putting some ache in my heart. 

Jacob and I are planning to move forward and move in with each other this next summer. He is living in Waynesville, Ohio which based off of my own sense of direction is in between Dayton & Cincinnati. On my last trip there (I just got home on Tuesday) we went to take a tour of a town house that we are potentially going to be living in. He would be moving well before I move there. Part of my hesitation is because I never imagined moving in with a boyfriend. Ever. I am a firm believer in keeping your self pure, and once you say I do that you get the right to become one with your husband. I also know that living with somebody does not have to equal a sexual relationship. That is not what is at stake here. I suppose it's my virtue. Geez, did I really just say "My virtue?" I am not 23 going on 93. But I'm freaking out here, is this something God wants? Is it his will? I can hear a small voice in the back of my head saying, "NO. NO. NO. Move there, find your own place. You WILL struggle, but I will provide. I am God, and your plans should never go against what is right." But why is it wrong? I wouldn't be dishonoring him or myself. I would be living with him---and keeping myself pure. I might just be scared of moving so far away from home. So I'm letting my brain pretend to be God. (MONUMENTAL MISTAKE VALERIE!)

perfect example of how this man can NOT take a real picture.
Can you see how I'm struggling to not laugh?!

Then there is the part where you miss someone. Right now, I miss Jacob. I miss his companionship and the way he plays with the skin between my thumb and pointer finger. I miss how he can't take a picture without making a funny face. How life is a big joke and how I can't stay mad at him because he's being so ridiculous when we argue that I have to laugh which usually results in me having a laughing fit while I struggle to say, "I'm laughing, but I'm still super pissed at you!" I miss how sometimes he knows I can't keep it together and I'm about to cry and he just holds me, hugs me, and doesn't say anything. Because sometimes that's really all you need, someone to just hold you while it feels your world is collapsing around you. This typically happens at the end of every trip at the airport. My knees tremble then lock up on me. My body tries to grow roots into the very floor of the airport and plant me there so I can't walk through security. The lump in my throat becomes the size of Africa & I can't stop the flow of tears. I can't speak. I can't walk. I can't breathe. And he just holds me. He says something funny, which the Good Lord knows is hard for him to do. He has to be the one smiling through his tears while he whispers, "I'll see you soon." Great, now I've made myself cry while typing this. I give his neck one last tight squeeze, I kiss his face and I somehow manage to move one foot in front of the other. I hand my ticket and I.d. over. I look back and he's gone. It's part of our agreement, don't linger, I'll keep crying if he does. I take control of my emotions while I take off my shoes and place everything on the belt. Then I'm home in less than four hours. 

I wrote all of that to try and describe HOW MUCH I miss him. And to try and prepare myself when all of this will be turned upside down. When I will be with him and NOT with my family. NOT with my friends. NOT in my home. I look at my niece and can feel the same knot in my throat when I think that she's going to have so many birthdays, Christmas', recitals that I will not be able to attend or be a part of. I will be the Aunt she sees at most a couple times a year. I will not have this bond with her that I do right now. That one day I will be leaving Austin Bergstrom International Airport and have to push myself through security and pray that I don't look back or I'm going to fall apart and be patted down a little extra in case I'm a threat to security. 

In this life I've been given the burden of eternally missing somebody. No matter what I decide to do, or where I choose to live--There will have to be some painful goodbyes. And as many times as I do say goodbye it never seems to get easier. It never gets better. It always hurts and I'd rather lay under a ton of bricks than do it ever again. 

Prayer is welcome.

God Bless,

Valerie

Big town, Small voice

Alright so here's the apology in advance, I talk too much. I hope that during this experience I learn to condense every thing I have to say & I can stick to what is relevant in the current post. Until then...I am very sorry! 

So here we go.

My name is Valerie and I live in Buda, Texas. "But your bio says Austin..." Okay, well you've caught me. I live in a small town right outside of Austin. I hop on the interstate and I'm in my beloved Capital in about five minutes. I am in love with the city and the eclectic people that have made it home. I love the live music scene and all of the amazing vintage, thrift, and consignment shops that you can discover daily. There is truly no shortage of second hand treasures that are just waiting to be discovered! BUT at the end of the day I love that I can jump on that interstate again and sail back to the land of the calm in my hometown of Buda. It's growing and to some it might not qualify as small town anymore because of mega companies like Cabela's & Wal-Mart building a small part of their empires here but to me it's always going to be the place where I could look out my back yard and see acres of land and cows. I grew up here with a strong sense of pride in the place where Fridays meant Rebel football games & Sundays mean church in the morning and evening. Family and Jesus--that's what it's all about. AmIRightorWhat?

I am currently a receptionist/Spanish teacher at a local private school that currently has Infants to 5th grade. My daily schedule is mornings in the office, Spanish classes mid-day, and ending the day in the Infant room giving the lady in there her lunch hour break. I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful family at my job and to have found a home at work. I have realized I am that kooky teacher we all had at one point who takes her heels off and sits on her desk during discussions and lessons. I use music a lot when I teach and usually make a fool of myself by inventing dance moves to help the kids remember what I'm teaching. I am passionate about children...but I'm starting to see that I might not be absolutely passionate about teaching. I am darn good at what I do, and I love it, but I'm not IN LOVE with it. If that makes any sense...which it might not. I am trying to figure out where the Lord might be leading me with these feelings. I know he's got a plan for this short life of mine but I am seeking his will. Perhaps some of you can pray for me on this part of my life. I need guidance--I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I just want to reach the end of it and know that I have nothing left to give to this world because I used every ounce of God's gifts to honor His kingdom. 

Oh sweet mercy, Honor His kingdom. I will fall short of this a lot, I am sure I will do that on this blog too. I suppose what I am trying to say is that my hope is that ya'll cut me a break when I stumble and that I am given the same mercy that we all hope to receive from Christ himself. If I make a monumental mistake and hurt my testimony in any way I would hope that someone would give me a slight nudge with an e-mail. Remember that much more is accomplished through love and compassion and that I do not seek parents on the internet...so keep the ugly to yourself. But as a sister in Christ--please, let me know when I am stepping off the path of light. I seek growth and a daily transformation in the Lord and I never want to be anybody's stumbling block. There will be times where I will talk about spiritual situations on here, if you don't believe please don't get offended. I seek to only pass on God's love, not to turn people away from him.

Perhaps a little background-- I am Southern Baptist and am a member of Calvary Baptist Church in San Marcos, Texas. I was saved at eight years old, and was baptized at fifteen. I strayed for a long time after I turned 19. I was angry at a lot of things but have since taken a million steps back to my Savior and am eternally grateful that I am redeemed through him and that he has never parted from me. 

Already--the post is quite lengthy and I still don't feel like I said much. 

I'm just excited to finally have a voice on here!

God Bless,

Valerie

Blogging like it's the very first time...

Wow, I feel so out of the loop on the blog-o-sphere and have been tiptoe'ing around the idea of starting this. So often I have found myself saying, "I should tell people about this." Or I have people ask me how I've created something and I struggle with finding the time to teach them all and often I neglect friend's requests because I am a working lady with limited time. BUT among all of the reasons I have decided to try and tackle this blog one of the last pushes to finally do it was when I stumbled upon Sew Many Ways. The writer of the blog is so generous with her tutorials which range from sewing to recycling (there is a post about upcycling the glass lids from yankee candles! Good golly this woman is incredible!) Her name is Karen, and I have not properly thanked her nor have I told her I am writing this but as soon as I'm done rambling to myself on here I am going to her page and sending her the well deserved thank you. On top of all of that, she has blogging tips. One of those being a very well written & shot screened tutorial on how to create your very own blog header right here. I am so beyond grateful for her blog and all of the help I have already received from it. 

I already feel like I've said too much on my first post...so I will leave you with a simple thank you for giving me a chance and 

for reading this post. As soon as I'm done thanking the wonderful

woman that gave me the inspirational post to go forward with this monster

of a task--I will come back and try to figure out how to give you some

insight on what my goals are for this blog and probably a little more

about the lady who rambles too much and who loves to share 

the love of Christ & the gifts he has given me. 

God bless,

Valerie