Waiting for the rest of our lives

I suck at blogging. Legitimately, I have all the time in the world to do something productive and finally get to do all the crafty creative things I want but I lack motivation and words. I'm in a rut and I don't know how to jump out of it. On a brighter note, I'm happy. I have small flashes of heartache when I think about what it was like when I knew my time with Jacob was limited. We'd typically have two weeks together at a time and I felt like I had to accomplish everything in those moments. Long Distance Relationships are HARD. If you're in one right now my heart goes out to you. I thought I'd post some sort of inspirational post to give some of you some hope out there. I'd like to start with, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW. Jacob and I dated for five LONG years apart. I lived in Austin, Texas and he lived in Ohio. We're young, and financially couldn't afford a ton of trips to see each other. So it was usually two-three times a year tops. We skyped, talked on the phone, texted daily. We lived in the same country so we didn't have the international phone call expenses that I know some of you encounter. (My heart hurts for you guys the most!) So we had consistent communication and it worked for us. But when I would fly here everything would just feel right. I know you guys will agree that when you're apart something feels "off." You can't put your finger on it but nothing ever really feels complete. If that makes any sense.  Then I would be here with him. And it would just click, like he was always the missing link. Like for the first time I could take a full breath and I didn't know I had been taking small ones for months. I would literally fill my lungs up with joy and it just felt right.

Then the vacation would end. I would have to go home to the job that didn't appreciate me and go back to feeling like I was only functioning at half capacity. I would hate the drives to the airport. I would usually pick a fight with him so that I could be angry instead of allowing myself to sit in my own despair the entire ride there. I would hold it together almost every time up until we would walk to the security line. You know, I'd have the perfect timing. I would break down and hold on to him like he was my only anchor to this planet and if he let go I would float away into dark space. My knees would buckle. I would lose my breath. I would have to drag my burdened body through the line and try to not look like a lunatic while security looked at my boarding pass and I.D. I would usually instruct my boyfriend to leave as soon as I began to go through the line because if i looked back and he was still there I would lose it again. Sometimes he'd leave. Sometimes he'd stay. Sometimes I could feel my body being tethered back to him. But I would keep trudging forward. I'd make it through the screening and board my flights home. Heart broken until I could see him again. 

I've been living with him here for about a month now. I have so much I want to say and explain and I will soon. (I promise!) There's a lot I have had to overcome and more that I still struggle with. I am a Christian woman with strong convictions living with her boyfriend. (STRUGGLE #1) I miss my family. Desperately. 

And I want to explain how we made the jump. How I never felt ready to move away. I still don't know if I am. But I couldn't continue waiting. 

More later. 

Valerie

Unemployed

I am still very much jobless. Eek! I have lived in Ohio for four weeks now. This is the longest I have....

• not had a job
• been away from Texas (consecutively, I have gone on several mission trips where I was gone for months but there was always small breaks back home in between!)
• Been with my boyfriend in the same city! We were long distance for five years!
• Not had a church home (Calvary Baptist in San Marcos, Texas will always be home for me!)

I know the list is longer but I am just getting kind of depressed thinking about it. 

I still don't have my truck here and don't exactly have the funds to get it here. I have applied for a few nanny jobs but I don't know what the game plan is for me getting to said job when I have it. Anyway my bank account is dwindling but luckily my boyfriend and his family have picked up the tab on most expenses. I am quite lucky to have them but I need to figure out what I'm going to do ASAP. 

Stressed out in the Midwest,

Valerie

Moving 1,300 miles from home

I knew that moving away from my home would be hard. I have always had a deep love for Texas. From my small town Buda where I grew up running around barefoot in fields to the dazzling skyscrapers in Austin. They sparkled enough to make me woo every SINGLE time I drove on Mopac. I'm a woman in love with Central Texas. So you'd think that was what would be the hard part. Leaving a magnificent area and all the festivals, outside activities, food (trucks!) behind. 

It's been two weeks since I flew to Ohio. I have no job and I've leapt into the unknown. I love my boyfriend. My heart is full and I am happy to be here with him. But my heart is also very much in pain. I keep blocking it from my mind. I've kept myself busy. But good grief do I miss my family. I just want to hold my niece right now. I want to kiss her hard on the face and hold her hand. I want to brush her hair and snap a giant bow on her beautiful head. I want to lay next to my momma and rub her hands when they ache. I want to sit in the car with my sister and talk about life, boyfriends, makeup. I can not believe I missed the day my older sister got to walk in to a bridal shop and try on dozens of gowns until she picked the one she plans to walk down the aisle in. I missed that. I miss being able to ask my daddy for help. He would have been complaining about it but I know that he likes to be the go to man for all of my handy needs. I would have laughed while he grumbled about hanging these new ombre curtains up in my bedroom. He would have scoffed at the spoon art I picked for the dining room. He would roll his eyes at the mailbox key rack I picked out. But he would have loved helping me. That's what I miss. I miss MY family. I miss my niece and nephew giggling and squealing throughout my house. I just plain miss them. I miss all the annoying things they did all the time. I miss holding all of them. I miss hugging them. I miss bickering with them. I miss loving on all of them. 

I'm sad. And Lord, I need some peace in my heart. I wish it didn't have to come down to picking between the man I love and my beloved family. I wish growing up wasn't this hard. I wish I could curl up in my parent's home for one more night and everything remain the same. Even if it were for only one more night.

Valerie